RSS

Category Archives: Uncategorized

No Need for Introductions

In twenty-five years I have yet to find a satisfactory way to celebrate the birth of my stillborn son. It’s not a day on which I can look back and remember smiles and laughter from days gone by. There are no photos to flip through with nostalgic pleasure. My son Cole, 25 years later, remains a mystery to me. 

I used to think that maybe I might be able to discern at least a core personality trait simply from the way Cole moved within my womb . . . but that, of course, that was simply the musings of a mother who desperately longed for the child she never knew. I dare say I am not the only mother who has entertained such flights of fancy. And in the three years since Bethany and Katie joined Cole in their eternal home, the unknowns have been magnified.

When I cross that great divide will I meet my son as a babe in arms or will a full grown man, standing tall, shoulders back appear before me? Will Bethany and Katie be forever 20 and 16? Will I be an old woman, grey of hair and stooped of shoulder in their eyes or the woman I was when each one left me behind? Will Cole meet me as a woman not yet 30 and Bethany and Katie with the fifty year old mother they last saw? 

I don’t know the answers to the simplest of questions in regards to my children. It is a fruitless pursuit to wonder who they would be today had the events that took each one from me not transpired. But there is one thing I do know. We will know (have memory of) and visually recognize one another. There will be no need for introductions.*

And so, as I find myself once again at a loss, restless and a bit frustrated by the unfulfilled longings of my heart, I also live in anticipation of the day when the waiting is over. When all my questions will be answered and all my longings satisfied.

Then my thoughts circle back to the more practical matters at hand. What to do in recognition of the child who is so much a part of my being . . . 

Will there be cake? 

Should there be?

Balloons released into the air?

Could we, the three of us who remain, enjoy either or would they just magnify the emptiness of the occasion?

And why can’t I answer this question after 25 years?

*See Luke 16:19-31 – The story of the rich man and Lazarus. The rich man clearly recognized both Abraham the Patriarch (whom he had never met as Abraham died before the rich man’s birth) and Lazarus remembering that he sat at his gate covered in sores hoping for scraps from the rich man’s table.

 
5 Comments

Posted by on June 21, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

The Brutally Honest Christmas Card — D.L. Mayfield

 

childsxmasThe dreaded annual Christmas letter . . . well, that’s how I feel about writing a Christmas letter anyway . . . and I guess I’m not alone!

Our family life has never been filled with exceptional academic, musical or athletic achievements. If I compare my life to the Christmas letters I’ve received in the past, I end up feeling as if every family, except ours, is filled with over-achievers.

What ever happened to the average family? The family that was content with passing grades, musical or athletic participation, and kids who got part-time jobs, were kind, polite and didn’t get arrested? When did keeping it real become passé in exchange for masks of familial perfection?

At some point, writing the annual Christmas letter seemed to demand that I turn myself into a first class spin doctor. Should I have submitted a draft to the Positive Propaganda Police before distribution?

I quit writing that annual letter precisely because it became too hard to spin our everyday life into perfectly positive tidbits. Tidbits fit for . . . my friends . . . my family . . . close acquaintances?

My word!

If I can’t be myself with friends and family; are they really friends? Am I really accepted by family? Am I only worthy if I can frame my little life into a positive façade fit for publication?

If so, I guess I’m not worthy.

The David Boxx branch of the family tree is not “practically perfect in every way.” We are human. Life throws us curve balls. We struggle. We screw up. We don’t always make the best decisions or the wisest choices. We do our best. We fall down and sometimes we stay down for awhile. We adjust, adapt and try something new—and it’s often not very pretty.

So last year when I came across this blog post I uttered a heartfelt, ‘Hallelujah!’

Here’s to keeping it real—to being ourselves instead of fitting in.

Here’s to life—good, bad and ugly!

Let’s live life instead of paraphrasing and editing it!

Follow the link below for inspiration on how to get started.

Source: The Brutally Honest Christmas Card — D.L. Mayfield

 
2 Comments

Posted by on November 30, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , ,

Magical Bear Traps

Magical Bear Traps

Here you go – a bereaved parent at Christmas – I’m partial to Vanilla Chai Lattes with my scones!

thelifeididntchoose

My heart hurts every time a name is added to this awful “club” no one wants to join.

One more family knows our pain.

One more family has an empty chair at holiday gatherings.

woman-looking-out-of-window

But I am thankful for the moms and dads that share their hearts in bereaved parents’ groups.  I’m thankful for the safe space to speak honestly about what this life feels like and the challenges that greet us in this Valley.

A  fellow waiting mom, Brenda Ehly, shared this on her personal Facebook page.  I asked her if I could post it here and she graciously gave me permission:

“So, every now and then, I am asked, ‘How are you?’

Just in case any of them meant, ‘What is it like to be grieving a child during the holiday season?’ let me try to explain:

First, imagine you have stepped into a bear trap.

bear-trapIt hurts.

View original post 167 more words

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on November 27, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Stay

Jesus was a storyteller. He used everyday examples He knew His audience could relate to in order to teach biblical principles. He understood the power of a good analogy.

This blog post paints a vivid word picture describing a thought provoking truth regarding a Christian’s struggle to wait upon the Lord. Frankly, it was a valuable, yet painful read for me, in this season of my life. But I believe Adrien Rogers got it right when he said,

“It is better to speak the truth that hurts and then heals, than falsehood that comforts and then kills.”

Follow the link below by clicking on the word “Stay” highlighted in red to read the article from blogsite “Patchwork Scraps of Life”. I added the scriptures below the link regarding waiting upon the Lord  for your review.

The command was clear and firm… and it appeared to be just about killing her…

Source: Stay

Psalms 130:5-6 “I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning.”

Psalms 27:13-14 “I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!”

Isaiah 30:18 “Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.”

Lamentations 3:25 “The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.”

Micah 7:7 “But as for me, I will look to the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me.”

 
4 Comments

Posted by on July 21, 2016 in Adversity, Faith, Links, Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Easter, Co-Wounded with Jesus

IMG_4896

Jesus of Nazareth was humiliated, tortured, and ostracized.  For some of us, the passion (suffering) inflicted upon Jesus is not so unlike what many of us have experienced in terms of our own traum…

(Clink on the link highlighted in red below to read the article.)  

Source: PTSD Spirituality: Easter, Co-Wounded with Jesus

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on March 27, 2016 in Adversity, Faith, Links, Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Remember: Why Good Friday Matters as Much as Resurrection Sunday

Remember: Why Good Friday Matters as Much as Resurrection Sunday

(Clink on the link highlighted in red entitled “view original post” below to read the complete article and “thelifeididntchoose” to access the blog.)  

thelifeididntchoose

“On the one hand Death is the triumph of Satan, the punishment of the Fall, and the last enemy. Christ shed tears at the grave of Lazarus and sweated blood in Gethsemane: the Life of Lives that was in Him detested this penal obscenity not less than we do, but more.
On the other hand, only he who loses his life will save it. We are baptized into the death of Christ, and it is the remedy for the Fall. Death is, in fact, what some modern people call “ambivalent.” It is Satan’s great weapon and also God’s great weapon: it is holy and unholy; our supreme disgrace and our only hope; the thing Christ came to conquer and the means by which He conquered.”  C.S. Lewis,  Miracles

Bury a child and suddenly the death of Christ becomes oh, so personal. The image of Mary at the foot of the…

View original post 245 more words

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on March 25, 2016 in Faith, Links, Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , ,

Rest Ministries – Needing & Accepting Help

Please follow the link below entitled “view original post” (in red) and read the article originally posted on restministries.com. You don’t have to suffer from a chronic illness or disability to gain something useful from this post. The truth is, we all need help at some point in time.

Today, I met with a Benefits Protection & Planning Representative for the state of Arkansas. Dealing with SSI and Medicaid is both humbling, anxiety inducing and confusing. I am so thankful for Jerry Clawson who is committed to helping me safely navigate the complexities of available services. Making the wrong choice can cause your child to loose much needed medical benefits or financial assistance for adaptive equipment, among other things.

Jerry may simply be doing his job, but he doesn’t perform it that way. He’s been incredibly responsive and understanding. Today, he allowed me to stop by without an appointment. He didn’t have to do that, but I’m so thankful and glad he did because my PTSD, depression and anxiety issues leave me struggling to do the simplest of tasks. I simply can’t make myself place phone calls and schedule appointments. It’s easiest for me if I can make must needed stops after I’ve already been required to leave the house for some reason. And that’s what happened today. I called Jerry and he made himself available. I’m sure it wasn’t a big deal for him, but it was huge for me.

I’ve had the signed documentation ready for him for approximately a month and I knew if I didn’t meet with him today, it could be quite some time before I managed to make myself try again. I don’t understand the psychology behind my issues, and I’m extremely embarrassed by the fact that simple tasks have grown monumental to me, but, I can’t simply make up my mind to do things and get it done. Instead, I’m trying to work with what I am able to do and hope the rest will resolve itself in the near future.

Last summer I attended College Bound Arkansas with my daughter, Gracen. It’s a program that prepares kids with disabilities for the transition to college. I met numerous parents during the course of our stay and discovered that they are all struggling to find services for their children. It’s a prime example of the blind leading the blind. We don’t know what resources are available, who to ask, or how to find them and generally happen upon them by chance via a conversation with another parent, a specialist or a physical or occupational therapist. If you do find someone that can point you toward available services you are often handed an extensive list of providers and have to wade through the entire thing to find out exactly what services your child might qualify for. It’s overwhelming and frankly, parents (not just me)  get so confused, they simply quit and soldier on alone.

In the aftermath of the car collision that killed two of my daughters and left Gracen badly injured at a time when my husband was between jobs, we found ourselves needing to accept help in ways we’ve never needed to in the past. David and I were overwhelmed with gratitude and yet found ourselves uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of the equation in spite of our desperate needs. This is what the author of this blogpost, Shelly Hendricks had to say on the topic:

“We all want to give help. We want to be the answer to prayer. It makes us feel weak to accept help. It makes us feel hopeless to ask for it.

And yet, God has been convicting me.

Receiving is not passive.

Receiving is submitting. Accepting is playing an important part. Asking is admitting that you are just like the ones you’ve helped before. . . and will again, in small and big ways.”

 

See what else Shelly has to offer below.

Boxx Banter

restministries

http://restministries.com/2014/08/difficult-need-accept-help/

Needing help is definitely humbling and yet it’s greatest blessing is the opening of spiritual eyes to see the nail scarred hands that prompted those around you to meet needs, and extend kindness and comfort that reaches far beyond the gift offered or act of service rendered. Brings to mind Psalm 8:4, “What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him?” Beyond all human comprehension somehow His response has been a sincere and quiet, “Mine. The apple of My eye.”

View original post

 
2 Comments

Posted by on February 19, 2016 in Chronic Illness, Uncategorized

 
 
%d bloggers like this: