A fellow grieving mother, Sarah Marie, shared the following comments on a closed Facebook page in anticipation of the Heaven Going anniversary of her daughter, Christina Grace. I am publishing Sarah’s comments with her express permission.
Grief is far more complicated than missing your loved one and fearing they will be forgotten. Please take a minute to absorb the message Sarah shares below.
“This month marks one year since we lost our daughter. If I’m open about my pain, well-meaning people say things like, “She’ll never be forgotten,” or “Thinking of you as you miss your precious Christina.” I know they mean well, but their responses show how little they understand of what we experience.
Yes, I miss her. And if she was here, I wouldn’t have this particular pain and I’m thankful she’s remembered. BUT simply missing her isn’t what creates this emotional (and sometimes mental and physical!) paralysis.
It’s the scars of trauma. The anxiety. The loneliness of grief. The shallowness of petty people. The exhaustion that comes from insomnia, nightmares, and the exertion of conversation. The racking sobs I cannot control when I just want to be alone but the laundry pile is daunting and dinner needs made. The ever greater, experiential understanding that I have zero control and the way that changes… everything.
. . .
Come, Lord Jesus. Come!”
June 20, 2017 at 7:05 am
Oh Yes. The realization that we, I, control nothing, leaves me very depressed. What is the use of doing, accomplishing anything? If I do, I am not in control. If I don’t, I am not in control. So, why bother? Yes, I know, this is where faith comes in but it is so HARD.
June 20, 2017 at 8:35 am
exactly how I feel. people don’t understand
June 20, 2017 at 12:07 pm
I can definitely relate to the exhaustion from insomnia and the annoying fact that there seems to be no control over anything. What ticks at times as well as Cristina iterated to, are the things people say. That somehow, this is all about missing someone who just isn’t here. It’s so much deeper than that. Sometimes I wonder if they express concern with honest intent, or if they are simply words to be said in that situation.
June 20, 2017 at 12:31 pm
I think most people express concern with honest intent. I also think it is hard to look beneath the surface to have any inkling of all the other things that are going on inside the hearts and minds of the bereaved without at least some personal experience. Others seem to view the event globally whereas we feel and experience the fallout of loss as repeated individual events that are often happening simultaneously. It’s hard to even know what to ask to draw out the answers that need spoken.
Love and hugs to you and your parents.
June 20, 2017 at 2:14 pm
Sarah Marie, your words resonate with me. The sleeplessness, the nightmares when sleep DOES come, the anxiety, people who just have no clue and say inappropriate things.
Not even two years after having lost my husband, I lost our only child. Grief has no timeline. I will always and forever love and miss my son.
May our Lord comfort you and give you moments of peace. Blessed be!