“I don’t need any more accidents in my life.” (From the video above).
That just resonates within.
I really don’t need any more accidents—any more tragedies in this life.
And the partial lyrics below resonate as well in the aftermath of death and this pilgrimage we are taking through degenerative disease.
IS THERE LIFE OUT THERE - Reba McEntire ". . . But now she's wonderin' What she's living for . . . She's dyin' to try something foolish Do something crazy Or just get away . . . There's a place in the sun that she's never been Where life is fair and time is a friend Would she do it the same as she did back then She looks out the window and wonders again Chorus Is there life out there So much she hasn't done Is there life beyond Her family and her home She's done what she should Should she do what she dares She doesn't want to leave She just wonders if there's life out there
I’m still wondering what my purpose is.
And doing something foolish or crazy or getting away from all that’s gone before—all that’s yet to come? I can’t even imagine what that would feel like.
I would do the same as I did before, and I don’t want to leave.
I just wonder if there really is a place in the sun—if there is something more in THIS world—something that doesn’t hurt out there. . .
And I wonder if other bereaved parents, other special needs parents, want to know that too.
April 4, 2017 at 3:59 pm
I do, Janet! I think that’s the funk that has sunk into my bones at this point in the journey-I don’t feel like I’m totally falling apart anymore every day but i sure don’t know what to do with myself. I can function pretty well as long as it’s routine duties. I still have those days where I can’t get my mind to focus on anything but missing Dominic, but most days I do what I have to do.
But I have absolutely zero sense of any purpose larger than myself, any “cause” or meaningful ministry that calls me forward into the months or years ahead. Maybe it’s because I’m still hurting badly and not really ready to embrace this life as it is right now.
I want that place in the sun where I don’t hurt, where I have unblemished hope and can imagine a world where things go right more times than not. ❤
April 4, 2017 at 4:12 pm
You’re writing is a ministry but I can understand how it doesn’t feel like your true, God ordained “purpose”. And yes, I want to find real happiness or at least consistent good days. I don’t want to stand (or lay prostrate) before the throne and feel as if I wasted all the time following the accident and failed to fulfill my purpose – whatever it is. I don’t want to see disappointment in His eyes. There’s only one good Stewart I want to be associated with. Yet I keep tripping and falling into rabbit holes and not once has a tea party been waiting for me! 😉
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April 4, 2017 at 6:49 pm
The wondering makes a difficult situation even more difficult. It is so hard to trust God in these circumstances. Crying with you. Sending hugs and prayers.
April 4, 2017 at 7:38 pm
Thank you, Nancy.