(Facebook Post 7/5/15)
This is an interesting article (follow the link in red below) that I think everyone who grieves the loss of a close loved one can relate to:
My comments related to the article:
I fear the judgment of others. I fear that if I struggle with any aspect of my relationship with Christ or my faith or if I am unable to turn every negative into a positive in the midst of my grief, that others will criticize me. And believe me, I have issues of faith I need to work through. It is what it is. I’m not a Kool-aid drinker, I’m a contender.
I fear others think I should be “over it” by now, moving forward, making plans for the future. That others have lost patience with my sorrow. That others believe that if I were really trusting God I would not fear the progression of Gracen’s disease or for her physical safety as she moves into the dorms this coming August.
I fear people believe I am seeking attention from my posts instead of the validation of feelings, the affirmation, I crave because I am weak and vulnerable and I need encouragement.
I fear isolation and yet I withdraw when I feel vulnerable. Church, unfortunately, is the place I feel most vulnerable. I fear disappointing fellow Christians. I fear there is an expectation for a fabulous testimony I can share now, some new ministry that rises from the ashes of my losses, or some vast wisdom to share when a year and a half down the road I’m still putting one foot in front of the other, still stunned by the ways in which life has changed.
Sometimes I do feel judged but I also realize that my perception has been blurred by the filter of grief and I know that a comment or a look that I perceive as criticism may be something else entirely.
My counselor tells me that some of the judgment I feel coming from others is likely self-condemnation. She says there is a duality at play in my mind. A part of me that is comfortable with my feelings and my methods of confronting them in light of God’s Word, but also another part of me that knows scripture and has high expectations for the perfect Christian response or maybe expects my emotions to be blunted by my faith. A battle between the heart and the mind if you will. There are definitely concepts my mind fully comprehends but my heart screams in defiance against.
I fear judgment and criticism real or perceived. I’m no super-saint and I fear I cannot handle either defending myself from criticism or even taking on a self-improvement program if I feel the criticism is merited. I’m just a broken woman striving to be what my remaining family needs and hold it together until the Holy Spirit heals the brokenness inside.